...smooshie...

So...Yesterday, I had this whole blog in mind...it was going to be my "ohsoangryventingblog"...I had a million and one things I wanted to vent about. I think it's healthy to vent- right?! I mean...not that I don't realize that I have a million and TWO things to be thankful for...but it's good to get your frustrations out!

This morning, I had it all planned out...I was going to write my venting blog today...but then I got to feeding Jude and playing w/ him and snuggling w/ him....and I realized...wow...I am just so blessed. What do I really- REALLY have to complain about?! As I was holding my 1/2 naked son (he had just spit up on himself)- and blowin bubbles on his fat little belly- and watching him give me the biggest, brightest smile...I was overwhelmed with the feeling of being blessed... It's been different being an at home mom- different than anything I've ever done.... and in many ways, it's the hardest job I've ever had...but despite the fact that it can be lonely...or tiring...or scary (especially living off one income!!!)- I can honestly say that I wouldn't change it for the world...even on Jude's crankiest days.

It amazes me how God has this big picture in mind...one we cannot see- cannot fathom....It took us almost 3 years to get pregnant. Those were three of the most heartbreaking years of my life...and I look back...and it would never have worked this way if I'd gotten pregnant way back then. I wouldn't have been able to stay at home- I wouldn't have taken that risk to quit...I wouldn't have started tinkering with photography as an actual "business"...and- as much as I HATED that part of my life...I'm so thankful that each month- God said "no" to a Judester. I look at my boy now...and there is NO doubt in my mind that God is control of his little life (although, I AM still human and get anxious about stupid things- Derrick is good at reminding me).

And then...I just have such an overwhelming amount of love for this little baby...I remember growing up thinking that my parents loved me more than any other parent in the world loved their child- my mom used to say to me "엄마 아빠 너 어떻게 사랑하는지 알아?" which basically means- do you know how much mommy and daddy love you? I think I may have a better understanding of it now....And then...I think- Wow...I love Jude so so so much. I'd do anything for him. Sometimes I look at him and I'm overcome with this emotion- I just LOVE him so much...and it hits me. As much as I love him....the Father loves us so much more. I can't fathom that. And here I was- going to write a venting blog...when this...THIS is my reality.

I'm sure I'll slip up....I'll have an off day where everything sucks...and I forget...but for today...I'm just thankful.